THE TOP TEN METAL COVER FAILS OF ALL TIME!

I was at work the other day and amidst the endless loop of hair-pulling commercials for Rap and Country artists ( you can guess how Wal-Mart markets...profiling if you ask me, though not exactly incorrect if you've been to Wal-Mart lately), I heard a hip hop song that completely ripped off an Electronic Artist from England, Imogen Heap. Not that I am a big fan or anything, but I thought to myself:

How many shitty covers have been forced down my throat lately?

I think that song writing should be more difficult than cutting and pasting another artist's hard work and having some half-assed producer lay a beat over it and pass it off for new. But hey, that's rap, right? At least 90% of it. From there, my brain ( which works like Google) somehow remembered the Lil Jon cover of a Slayer song. As much as I tried to forget it actually happened, much like any other life-changing, yet traumatic event in a person's life, still, it lingered and I felt the warmth of deadly anger rise up in me, like a well-spring formed just above a pocket of molten lava. Cover songs are not some trifling!!! I exclaimed to myself, if someone is going to attempt one, it should be out of respect and at least (most times) faithful enough to the original!

If this were the criteria for judging these next ten covers, they'd have about as much respect between them as you might find in a unpaid Thai hooker who realized that rimjob she gave was just for free. To say it kindly, they have none, nor where they even close to redemption.

Oh yeah, I'm also drunk.

1) Lil Jon- Raining Blood (Stop Fuckin' with Me)
Really? I mean, as amusing as he was to look at, this was crossing the line. It's like wiping your ass with the Shroud of Turin. It's like pissing on a Rembrandt. It's like lobotomizing Einstein and filling the empty parts with horse urine and Michelob Ultra ( same thing to me.) The worst part is the mother fucker can't even rap. As a guy who used to be in a band that covered Raining Blood, ( Mark can testify), this couldn't even pass as a cover. I want to shit inside his car's gas tank. Someone send me a block of ice, because, goddamn it, I need to cool off.

2) Kid Rock- American Bad Ass (Sad But True)
American Fuck face is more like it. Another example of tasteless sampling, American Bad Ass incites the urge in me to spritz him and his entourage with cat urine and napalm, the cat urine first, just so he thinks he's getting off lite. The redeeming part of Metallica allowing this ( and as the count down progresses, you'll see that they allowed quite a bit of shit to happen), is seeing them after the first Summer Sanitarium Tour when James Hetfield finally showed, and proceeded to say "Our buddy did this next song, but fuck, I like ours a lot fuckin better, right??!" I could at least sleep easy after that. Holy shit, time to break the seal.

3) Puff Daddy- Come with me (Kashmir)
So Led Zeppelin might not seem to you like "Metal" compared to a lot of the stuff we listen to, but back in the day, they were classified Heavy Metal, and well, I figured the blasphemy committed within was worthy of mention. First off, the song was done for Godzilla, the newer one that was all Hollywood and not the cheap low budget effects that made Godzilla so great to begin with. Secondly, fucking Puff Daddy actually used the lyrics "I'll fight you,/ I'll flip and bite you".... WTFOMFGSTFUGTFO!!!!!!!!!! Epic fail. Is that how Diddy interprets angry emotions expressed in music? Flipping and biting? What a Doosh. Not that you needed this example as empirical evidence, but hey, it doesn't hurt.

4) Limp Bizkit- Sanitarium
I don't need to work hard at pointing this one out. It was full of fail and lame, as one might expect from Limp Bizkit, a band named after the grossest of all masturbation games. I feel anymore elaboration might bring me to a premature stroke, borne of anger.

5) Avenged Sevenfold- Paranoid
Oh god, not this. Please no... too late.

6) Motley Crue- Helter Skelter
Fuck Motley Crue. Love or hate the Beatles, it was terrible. All of my heroes die, half of them by way of drug overdose and some how the gods spare these assholes, no matter how hard they tried to appease my one wish of them stopping and not making music, they still live on, much like an unwanted toilet clog.

7) Disturbed - Land of Confusion
Chris, you already explained this one enough in a previous blog posting. And not that they matter much or that Genesis was even remotely close to metal, I just suspect this was my one way of including them in an outpouring of hatred, as much as they deserve it.

8) Snoop Dogg- Sad But True
Here to finish off the job that Kid Rock began, is no one else but Snoop Dogg.
Dear god Metallica, you bitch about fans ripping off your music, how the fuck about other "musicians"??? Geez! Fucking stop this kind of shit from happening! MTV icons was one of the worst mistakes in all of Metaldom! Please, be even slightly prejiduce, and maybe I'll like you more! Sorry Mark, it had to be said, they had to be called out.

9) Avril Lavigne- Fuel (Metallica)
Again, please stop the butchery. I feel like at this point, someone should have done a benefit to help stop this rape of Metallica's music, even if this wasn't one of their high points. It's just the principle of the matter. Stop the violence, please.

10) Korn - One (Metallica)
I give up. I yield. A majority of all shit covers seem to be Metallica covers. I guess someone should send in the Clowns, not ICP, who are clowns and idiots and deserving of AIDS, but real clowns. Clowns who help signal the final fail of such an event. I guess this blog should have been called " A belated protest to MTV icon's enabling of Metallica butchery." The worst part is they watched it all happen, smiling. I must question this, as they were a band that brought metal to the fore front, an important band that opened the doors for hundreds of other deserving acts who, until Metallica, had be dismissed as too heavy for normal rotation. James Hetfield, things were better when you controlled the band with an iron fist. Who cares if the other guys are happier now? The fans are not! Come back to the helm of it, Mr. Hetfield! Show them how to be monsters again! I give.

I am very drunk right now. I think that my intoxication only exceeds my anger by just a smidgen, a fact made very apparent by my use of the word "smidgen". I ask you now, oh faithful reader, would you inform me of other terrible cover songs that disgrace metal??? They should be kept track of! It is now up to you! Take heed and bring them to our collective attention! Comment below, and give me a list of shameful attempts at musical necromancy! The world is now at your finger tips!

And I'm too drunk to go on. Stay metal, and don't drink light beers, like a wussy, pansy little bitch.